Im just not ready

as some of you know im not handling my dad being gone as well as i probably could or even as well as i let on. today they started cleaning my moms room and throwing his stuff away. im not ready its so hard to watch every little thing that he had and all the little memories have to be thrown away. some days i never know if i will be ready to say goodbye its not fair that i have to. i want to just walk away from it all i wish i could. but every memory with my family i have has him in it.
it seems like my mom could care less that she is just so ready to get rid of everything that was his but some of it hold strong memories for me. its never fair to have to say goodbye i know but i was not ready and i dont think i ever will be. he was my dad, my hero, and sometimes he was my life. he always knew how to make me smile when i was down. he was always willing to rub my shoulder or scratch my back when it was itchy. no matter what the situation i was going through he knew how to fix it. why did you have to leave now. i wish that i was better at expressing myself to the right people that would help but its hard to talk out loud to people about it. but who are the right people that could help. nothing can bring my dad back he is gone. everyone ask me what wrong what wrong. don't you think you should know i lost my dad, and the man i thought was my best friend all within a week of eachother you really expect me one month later to just act like it never happend. i have night mares while im sleeping and so i cant sleep because im scared to. then they expect me to beable to talk about it with them i dont even know how to put it into words in my own head.
the bottom line is I MISS MY DADDY!